something's off. something's going on and I can't explain it. almost like an itch that you can't seem to find. my life has become one big itch that I can't scratch.
most of you know that I suffer from a huge case of wanderlust. I love being with Baby Butterbean every day, but I miss being social. I absolutely hate being stuck out in this podunk town so far away from civilization. don't get me wrong, I love small towns, but not when they're so far away from everyone and everything that I love.
so lately this has had me in sort of a funk. I'm feeling very withdrawn and anti-social. not depressed, just out of sorts.
on top of that, I fill very unsuccessful in life. I know that one of my purposes in this world is to raise Baby Butterbean to be a wonderful person, and I fully intent to do my best. but I feel like that's not all. I feel the need to make a difference. to do something extraordinary. I almost have this feeling like I haven't started living yet. like there's something huge waiting for me just over the horizon, but I'm not getting any closer to it.
in any case, this has definitely effected everything aspect of my life, including this blog. when I came back after not writing for so long, I wanted to make sure that I kept this thing going. I swore I'd blog at least a couple times a week. and now, here I am, breaking that promise that I made myself.
so here I am friends, begging y'all to stick around. I swear I'm coming back, I've just got to work through some things. and once I figure out what those things are, it will be a lot easier!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
we in tha nola, babeh
yes, I did just quote the real world. sorry about that. anyway, I know I haven't been around much, sorry about that, I'll make it up to y'all! I've got a review and an award post that I really need to get posted, but for now, just a quick note.
my 25th birthday is coming up (eek!) in November, and I'm really wanting to go all out. so, I decided that I would make the trip to New Orleans and have a celebratory weekend with Miss Kora Bruce!! but, to make it even better, I figured we'd make it a blogger/tweetup!! I don't know how many of y'all live down south, but if you do, and you'd like to join us, the plans are in the works!
it'll be the first weekend in November (5th-7th). i'm looking at hotels now, and everything is somewhat up in the air, but if any of y'all are interested, let me know! hopefully we can make this *huge*!!
my 25th birthday is coming up (eek!) in November, and I'm really wanting to go all out. so, I decided that I would make the trip to New Orleans and have a celebratory weekend with Miss Kora Bruce!! but, to make it even better, I figured we'd make it a blogger/tweetup!! I don't know how many of y'all live down south, but if you do, and you'd like to join us, the plans are in the works!
it'll be the first weekend in November (5th-7th). i'm looking at hotels now, and everything is somewhat up in the air, but if any of y'all are interested, let me know! hopefully we can make this *huge*!!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Nine Years
May We Never Forget
Nine years ago today I was a 15 year old in my second year of high school. I remember it like it was yesterday. The confusion, the worry, the fear, and then the anger and hate that followed.
I also remember how united everyone was after that. We were Americans, and we would stand together.
There has not been another September 11th that has passed without many tears being shed. I did not know a single person who died that day, but I still cry every year.
When I awoke this morning it was dreary and gray, as if the skies would also cry for those we lost. As I fed my beautiful baby daughter, I realized how much things have changed. And how certain things never will. I said a prayer for the ones we lost, as well as their families, and I thanked God for everything I've been blessed with.
I wonder how I would teach her about what happened that day. How can I explain something so horrible to someone so pure? My heart aches for her because I know how ugly the world can be. I wish that I could change the world and make sure nothing like that ever happened again, so she would never know what we all felt like that day. But the best I can do is hope for peace, and hope that her generation can change what we cannot.
United we stand, may we never forget.
Friday, September 10, 2010
a love like this
a mother's love is indescribable. the only way for anyone to understand is to actually be a mother. think you love your parents? nothing like loving your child. think your love for your significant other is stronger than any other love? nope, nothing like loving your child. it's something entirely different. and a mother's love shines through anytime that their child is in harm's way.
we have been very blessed during these last eight months because we've had an extremely healthy child. we've only had a few things happen. right after she was born she had a few episodes where she stopped breathing, but they monitored her and she grew out of it. it's never happened again. (but believe me, it was scary!) she had a three day stay in the NICU at a week old to treat her jaundice. no biggie. right after learning to crawl she crawled right off the side of the bed. hardly phased her but scared me to death, so that earned her her first ER trip. we've had a few battles with diaper rash, and we're in an ongoing war with reflux. now trust me, that's not a lot. (knock on wood) we've had no earaches, no teething problems, despite having two teeth already, no viruses, no stomach bugs, no food allergies, nothing. pretty healthy i tell ya. but last night, i thought that all changed. i thought i had lost my little girl.
when baby butterbean was about four months old we started letting her put herself to sleep. we would bathe her, give her a bottle and then lay her down in her cradle. we only had a problem the first two nights, then on the third night it was almost like something clicked. she knew it was time to go to sleep. then around 6 1/2 months we moved her into her crib. I thought for sure we'd have a problem, but she transitioned beautifully. that is, until about two weeks ago. we would go in, lay her down, turn her night light and her music box on, and as soon as we'd make it into the other room, she'd be up playing. so, we'd go back in, tell her that it was "night night time" and lay her back down. this would happen an average of 3-4 times a night before she'd finally pass out. so we started leaving her door open and going in to check if she was up. well, last night was no different. we laid her down and then the hubby went out to fix a fence that was down and I went in to clean the kitchen. after checking on baby butterbean twice, it finally got quiet and i decided to go in and check on her one last time. i turned the hallway light on as i went in and i could see her outline in the corner of the crib. as i got closer i saw that she was slumped over and it looked like she wasn't breathing. i'm guessing that she was sitting up and playing and just fell asleep while sitting up. i picked her up quickly and checked her over. she was fine. she whined a little and stuck her thumb in her mouth and went right back to sleep, so i gave her her blankie and laid her back down. and then i lost it. i slumped down on the floor of her room and sobbed hysterically. thoughts raced through my mind what could have happened. the faster they raced, the harder i cried. then, to make matters worse, the hubby came in and heard this. he rushed into her room and jerked her up so fast that I cannot believe he didn't wake her. after making sure she was ok, he picked me up and carried me out of the room and then wanted to know what happened.
i didn't stop crying last night. i ended up crying myself to sleep. i couldn't stop thinking about what might have been.
i have no doubt in my mind that she has a guardian angel looking over her. and after what happened, when she started crying at 5 this morning, i had no problem bringing her back to my bed and snuggling up with her. and as of this morning, i have a further understanding of just how strong my love is for her.
we have been very blessed during these last eight months because we've had an extremely healthy child. we've only had a few things happen. right after she was born she had a few episodes where she stopped breathing, but they monitored her and she grew out of it. it's never happened again. (but believe me, it was scary!) she had a three day stay in the NICU at a week old to treat her jaundice. no biggie. right after learning to crawl she crawled right off the side of the bed. hardly phased her but scared me to death, so that earned her her first ER trip. we've had a few battles with diaper rash, and we're in an ongoing war with reflux. now trust me, that's not a lot. (knock on wood) we've had no earaches, no teething problems, despite having two teeth already, no viruses, no stomach bugs, no food allergies, nothing. pretty healthy i tell ya. but last night, i thought that all changed. i thought i had lost my little girl.
when baby butterbean was about four months old we started letting her put herself to sleep. we would bathe her, give her a bottle and then lay her down in her cradle. we only had a problem the first two nights, then on the third night it was almost like something clicked. she knew it was time to go to sleep. then around 6 1/2 months we moved her into her crib. I thought for sure we'd have a problem, but she transitioned beautifully. that is, until about two weeks ago. we would go in, lay her down, turn her night light and her music box on, and as soon as we'd make it into the other room, she'd be up playing. so, we'd go back in, tell her that it was "night night time" and lay her back down. this would happen an average of 3-4 times a night before she'd finally pass out. so we started leaving her door open and going in to check if she was up. well, last night was no different. we laid her down and then the hubby went out to fix a fence that was down and I went in to clean the kitchen. after checking on baby butterbean twice, it finally got quiet and i decided to go in and check on her one last time. i turned the hallway light on as i went in and i could see her outline in the corner of the crib. as i got closer i saw that she was slumped over and it looked like she wasn't breathing. i'm guessing that she was sitting up and playing and just fell asleep while sitting up. i picked her up quickly and checked her over. she was fine. she whined a little and stuck her thumb in her mouth and went right back to sleep, so i gave her her blankie and laid her back down. and then i lost it. i slumped down on the floor of her room and sobbed hysterically. thoughts raced through my mind what could have happened. the faster they raced, the harder i cried. then, to make matters worse, the hubby came in and heard this. he rushed into her room and jerked her up so fast that I cannot believe he didn't wake her. after making sure she was ok, he picked me up and carried me out of the room and then wanted to know what happened.
i didn't stop crying last night. i ended up crying myself to sleep. i couldn't stop thinking about what might have been.
i have no doubt in my mind that she has a guardian angel looking over her. and after what happened, when she started crying at 5 this morning, i had no problem bringing her back to my bed and snuggling up with her. and as of this morning, i have a further understanding of just how strong my love is for her.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
how stylish
yesterday, after thinking about it for a long while, i bought a pair of aviators. i made sure they were the perfect pair. they fit just right and complimented the shape of my face. then, after showing them to the hubby, i immediately regretted buying them. he kept asking me for my license and registration. asshole.
after asking why he didn't like them, he said that it just didn't look like something i'd wear.
so, today, while doing a little online "research," i found these beauties on sale (ya know, since it's fall everywhere else in this country, but i can still wear them here in hotashell, texas)
and these:
i figured i could pair them with a tank and a wrap of some sort, and make them look a little more autumn-ish. so, i forwarded them to my mom, asking her opinion, (why?? i have no idea, we normally don't agree on clothing styles) and she sent a text back asking if i was joking. when i told her that no, in fact, i was not joking, she replied that they didn't look like something i'd wear.
now, here's the thing, i grew up wearing jeans and cowboy boots. honestly, i still do. i currently own at least 4 pairs of cowboy boots that i can think of, so i guess this is how my family thinks i should dress. but i'm so tired of the same ol' thing. i guess you could say that i'm wanting to redefine my style. there are so many different things that I'd like to try, but i'm worried that it won't look right, simply because i've put myself into a certain style category. i'm stuck in a rut y'all. i'm so excited about the new fall fashion that's hitting stores, but do i have the guts to try it out?
what do y'all think? how do you define your style? do you ever feel like completely reinventing it?
after asking why he didn't like them, he said that it just didn't look like something i'd wear.
so, today, while doing a little online "research," i found these beauties on sale (ya know, since it's fall everywhere else in this country, but i can still wear them here in hotashell, texas)
and these:
i figured i could pair them with a tank and a wrap of some sort, and make them look a little more autumn-ish. so, i forwarded them to my mom, asking her opinion, (why?? i have no idea, we normally don't agree on clothing styles) and she sent a text back asking if i was joking. when i told her that no, in fact, i was not joking, she replied that they didn't look like something i'd wear.
now, here's the thing, i grew up wearing jeans and cowboy boots. honestly, i still do. i currently own at least 4 pairs of cowboy boots that i can think of, so i guess this is how my family thinks i should dress. but i'm so tired of the same ol' thing. i guess you could say that i'm wanting to redefine my style. there are so many different things that I'd like to try, but i'm worried that it won't look right, simply because i've put myself into a certain style category. i'm stuck in a rut y'all. i'm so excited about the new fall fashion that's hitting stores, but do i have the guts to try it out?
what do y'all think? how do you define your style? do you ever feel like completely reinventing it?
Friday, September 3, 2010
dropping love bombs
you can also check me out over here today!
first off, i need to apologize for this post being late. i normally get my drop a love bomb post up first thing thursday morning, but yesterday was hectic! my niece is here visiting (i've *definitely* got a post coming up about that!), i had to get baby butterbean to the doctor for an impromptu visit, then there was a root canal directly after lunch for me, and to top it all off, the three valium i took before the dentist appointment didn't kick in until afterward, so i spent most of the rest of the afternoon drooling in my grandmother's living room floor. needless to say, i was in no condition to write a post! but, it's not to late to get those love bombs dropped, so here's this week's mission!
normally we drop a love bomb on just one person, but this week we're shaking things up a bit. we're dropping a love bomb on the *entire chicago fire department*!!
Chris Wheatley, one of their firefighters, died in the line of duty on august 9th.
this mission is going to work out to be two-fold:
1) to encourage, support and comfort the chicago fire department as they've lost a brother in duty.
2) to thank the chicago fire department for serving their community so faithfully.
y'all know that i'm also involved with the organization itstartswithus and their mission this week is to help out a service worker. well every once and awhile, they team up to help drop a love bomb, so this week we're joining them!
it seems like every week the mission hits me personally in some way, and this week's mission is no different. my husband was a firefighter for eight years. i have witnessed first hand the brotherhood that exsists in these departments. these guys (and girls!) are family, and when one dies in the line of duty, it's just like losing a very close family member.
i fully believe that firemen are unsung heroes. they risk their lives daily and normally don't get a single thanks. and most of the time the pay is a joke, but they still do the work, mainly because they love it.
but now is our time to give them something back. every single member of the department is hurting after losing their brother. let's step up and make sure they know how much we appreciate what they do, and bring them the comfort they need.
let's drop a love bomb y'all!
you can leave a comment on the chicago fire department's blog here:
http://cfdblaze.com/2010/08/cffu-local-2-tom-ryan/
first off, i need to apologize for this post being late. i normally get my drop a love bomb post up first thing thursday morning, but yesterday was hectic! my niece is here visiting (i've *definitely* got a post coming up about that!), i had to get baby butterbean to the doctor for an impromptu visit, then there was a root canal directly after lunch for me, and to top it all off, the three valium i took before the dentist appointment didn't kick in until afterward, so i spent most of the rest of the afternoon drooling in my grandmother's living room floor. needless to say, i was in no condition to write a post! but, it's not to late to get those love bombs dropped, so here's this week's mission!
normally we drop a love bomb on just one person, but this week we're shaking things up a bit. we're dropping a love bomb on the *entire chicago fire department*!!
Chris Wheatley, one of their firefighters, died in the line of duty on august 9th.
this mission is going to work out to be two-fold:
1) to encourage, support and comfort the chicago fire department as they've lost a brother in duty.
2) to thank the chicago fire department for serving their community so faithfully.
y'all know that i'm also involved with the organization itstartswithus and their mission this week is to help out a service worker. well every once and awhile, they team up to help drop a love bomb, so this week we're joining them!
it seems like every week the mission hits me personally in some way, and this week's mission is no different. my husband was a firefighter for eight years. i have witnessed first hand the brotherhood that exsists in these departments. these guys (and girls!) are family, and when one dies in the line of duty, it's just like losing a very close family member.
i fully believe that firemen are unsung heroes. they risk their lives daily and normally don't get a single thanks. and most of the time the pay is a joke, but they still do the work, mainly because they love it.
but now is our time to give them something back. every single member of the department is hurting after losing their brother. let's step up and make sure they know how much we appreciate what they do, and bring them the comfort they need.
let's drop a love bomb y'all!
you can leave a comment on the chicago fire department's blog here:
http://cfdblaze.com/2010/08/cffu-local-2-tom-ryan/
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
who wrote this crap anyhow!?
yesterday baby butterbean and i headed into the big city to do some shopping.
after spending about three hours shopping for teeny tiny baby clothes, we moved on to momma's stores.
on a side, though related note, here's a little confession: i absolutely cannot pass up a good deal.
ok, back to the point.
so we hit up one store that is notorious for having ah-mazing sales, and after sifting through the sales racks, i headed off to the fitting room with a sleeping baby in tow and a heap of clothes in my arms. and this is where we ran into a problem. i found a *really* cute pair of capris. they were the only pair left, they fit me perfectly, and they were EIGHT BUCKS!! now, you're probably wondering, what's the problem, right?
the problem is, they're white. like, white, white. like, white, white, white. you get it, right? i'm sure that's why they were so cheap.
so what's a girl to do? i turned to my very trusted best friend. twitter.
i asked twitter if white pants after labor day was a yay or nay. and they answered. loud and clear. nope.
but here's the problem y'all. i live in texas. pretty much central texas, aka, the devil's crotch. it's damned hot 'round these parts, and it stays hot well into october, and sometimes even november, so all of the fall fashion rules pretty much suck. in fact, i'm willing to bet my left arm that whoever came up with these unwritten rules, wasn't from bfe, texas.
now, i'm all for being fashionable, but i just don't see why it's expected that everyone should have to follow these rules at all times. it's just not friggin fair y'all! i totally get why people start to dress differently on the first day of autumn in new york city, because the weather changes! but here, where we have two seasons, (hot and hotter) i just can't justify following these stupid rules. why the hell can't i wear white in the fall and winter? why can't I wear black shoes and a brown shirt? why does my purse have to match my shoes?? why, why, why!? why can't we just wear what looks good on us??
i suggest that whoever says these are good rules should come and spend one humify filled weekend in late august here in texas. cause seriously, there's no way they'd last.
so what about y'all? what fashion rules or you follow/break? what should i have done about the white pants?
btw, i may only be rockin 'em for the next few days, but i bought the capris!
after spending about three hours shopping for teeny tiny baby clothes, we moved on to momma's stores.
on a side, though related note, here's a little confession: i absolutely cannot pass up a good deal.
ok, back to the point.
so we hit up one store that is notorious for having ah-mazing sales, and after sifting through the sales racks, i headed off to the fitting room with a sleeping baby in tow and a heap of clothes in my arms. and this is where we ran into a problem. i found a *really* cute pair of capris. they were the only pair left, they fit me perfectly, and they were EIGHT BUCKS!! now, you're probably wondering, what's the problem, right?
the problem is, they're white. like, white, white. like, white, white, white. you get it, right? i'm sure that's why they were so cheap.
so what's a girl to do? i turned to my very trusted best friend. twitter.
i asked twitter if white pants after labor day was a yay or nay. and they answered. loud and clear. nope.
but here's the problem y'all. i live in texas. pretty much central texas, aka, the devil's crotch. it's damned hot 'round these parts, and it stays hot well into october, and sometimes even november, so all of the fall fashion rules pretty much suck. in fact, i'm willing to bet my left arm that whoever came up with these unwritten rules, wasn't from bfe, texas.
now, i'm all for being fashionable, but i just don't see why it's expected that everyone should have to follow these rules at all times. it's just not friggin fair y'all! i totally get why people start to dress differently on the first day of autumn in new york city, because the weather changes! but here, where we have two seasons, (hot and hotter) i just can't justify following these stupid rules. why the hell can't i wear white in the fall and winter? why can't I wear black shoes and a brown shirt? why does my purse have to match my shoes?? why, why, why!? why can't we just wear what looks good on us??
i suggest that whoever says these are good rules should come and spend one humify filled weekend in late august here in texas. cause seriously, there's no way they'd last.
so what about y'all? what fashion rules or you follow/break? what should i have done about the white pants?
btw, i may only be rockin 'em for the next few days, but i bought the capris!
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